if you truly trust God with all your heart,

if you truly trust that he has perfect timing,

is turning to science lack of faith?

is turning from a natural pregnancy to pills and shots a “Hagar moment” (See Genesis 16)?

God’s promise

welcome to my last month.  my mind has raced at night.  my mind played some nasty tricks on me

in the end i had to come to the harsh realization that those stars i count at night are not specific promises to me.  I have not been told by God that he has a cute little chubby cheeked version of me all planned out.  i have no idea if that is His plan.  i can only know he loves me.

our life of supplements and acupuncture and pregnancy teas has turned into heavy drugs,giving my wife a shot in her belly, and watching my precious “Sarah” leave early for numerous blood tests and ultrasounds.  this is no longer “natural”, but it is still putting faith in God.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:28-29)

God’s provision

God has provided us with talented doctors and nurses.  He has risen people up with the skills to help cure our problem.  He has blessed us with the ability to pay for these insane doctor bills.  How is this not provision?

We have all heard the cliché stories of the man stuck in the fire that did not let the fireman rescue him since he was waiting on God.  As silly as that story is, i think it would be irresponsible for us as a couple not to try the avenues that were put before us.  even in this process, we rely on God alone to use these medical procedures to get us through.

God’s Compassion

This brings me to the major lesson I have learned while studying healing in the bible.  God has compassion for us and this empty part of me hurts him too.

“When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, He had compassion on them and healed their sick” (Matthew 14:14). 

“Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed Him” (Matthew 20:34). 

God hurts for us and I believe he wants us to go through this process of redemption.  as much as it feels like he does not care about all of the work i have done in his name over the years, he has compassion on me.  me searching for a way to get pregnant is not a slap in the face to God.  He is ultimately in control and i am following my dreams.