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Image by Molly Des Jardin via Flickr

The journey of infertility can be a lonely one. I’m realizing that infertility is rarely talked about and when it is, hurtful things can be said. It’s often a path full of disappointments, feelings of inadequacy, and the general feeling that nobody knows what you’re going through. For that reason, I find myself eager to connect with other couples who “get it”. To hear about their struggles, hopes, and fears and be able to identify with what they’re experiencing is incredibly refreshing.

After another negative pregnancy test, Abram and I decided to take a trip to spend some time with our couple that “gets it”. I just needed to be encouraged. I wanted to be reminded that I’m not the only Christian experiencing this and that it has nothing to do with my lack of faith or actions. I just wanted to laugh and share life while enjoying a beer- because I can!

But I sensed almost as soon as we got there that something was different and when she didn’t order a beer at dinner it took everything in me to ignore that nagging suspicion. Sure enough, they’re pregnant. Of course they are. Along with everyone else we know. The trip that was meant to encourage only left me feeling more desperate.

Of course I’m happy for them. I know they’ve been waiting a long time for this and they’ll make great parents. I know that God has created this new life and we get to witness this miracle. But those words come out sounding so empty. Like I know what I’m supposed to feel and say, but don’t really mean it. That’s the worst feeling of them all. Hearing myself and wondering, “who have I become that my first thought isn’t joy for my friends, but sadness for me”?

It’s a daily, sometimes hourly, struggle for me to keep the right attitude and trust God’s timing on this journey. But I have a God who’s walking this lonely path with me, right by my side. And lately He’s been whispering in my ear “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18

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