Dear world,
We know this is a tough topic and we know it it very difficult to talk to us about pregnancy (or lack thereof). We also know it is very hard to find a reason behind what we are going through. This is why you probably shouldn’t try to tell us the reason or what we need to do about it. It’s just bad form.
The Do Not’s
- Any recommendation including the phrase, “procreation vacation” – Where do people come up with these words? I know we can’t have a babymoon, so let’s just call our trips vacations.
- “It will happen when it’s meant to happen” – So all this crap we are going through right now is useless? Prescriptions are just for the fun of it? I guess we can just stop trying and wait for a stork.
- “These things all happen for a reason.” – Would you like to expand? Is this somehow going to be better for the world that I do not reproduce. I’ll be sure to return the favor and remind you of this line next time your going through troubles.
- “Just…”/”You should probably” – Trust me. We read the blog, stay tuned with medical websites, and talk to specialists. telling us what we need to do now is probably not the best idea. Just one thing is not going to change everything in the way.
- “Maybe this is not God’s plan” – Hmmm. Are you telling me to not put faith in God’s timing? You might be right but I would probably shy away from determining God’s plans if I were you.
- “I heard adopting takes the pressure off and could help you get pregnant” – I heard cutting off your right hand makes you better at throwing the football with your left hand. I also heard if you are allergic to cats you should get a dog and then you won’t be allergic to cats anymore. Oh, I’m not making sense?
- “I know exactly how you feel” – Please don’t
The Do’s
- “How are things going with trying to get pregnant/How are you?” – I love when my friends ask this simple question so that i can reveal what I want to reveal. I can then drive the conversation depending on what kind of stage I am in. They are asking about how the process is affecting me instead of just giving me their insight.
- I am really hoping/praying for you two – That is really all that i need. It helps recognize that you know I am going through a tough time without trying to tell me what to do.
- This sucks – We have a winner. This sucks. I do not need it downplayed. i do not need to analyze God’s plan. This sucks and I can make it through this season.
Share your own – #infertilitytalk #badcliches
Credit to my twitter friends for the help: mdyesowitch . Crys24 . infertilesknow . TheWombWarrior . pollypanad
– Abram –
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still counting stars 
This almost made me laugh a little. I’ve heard so many of these! I am part of an infertility support group and the first meeting- pretty much everyone just shared about hurtful things that people say.
I’ve started praying that God will allow me to see beyond peoples words. That I could see their hearts– and that He will give me grace for them.
After all, we’re all in need of grace! I say stupid things a lot as well. And I don’t mean to! I want to be sweet and eloquent and loving… and I often come across as judgmental, harsh and know-it-all-like. I remember talking/crying with a friend when she confronted me about my words, and begging her to give me grace.
I think about that often when I am faced with insensitive words from others. “Just give me grace!”
Wow. I completely agree. We all need grace. I say stupid things all the time and come off insensitive. It’s a good reminder to extend grace when people hurt us. -Sarah
I so know this. My least favorite comment was, “Your work is your baby.” REALLY???!!!!!
The truth is people don’t know what to say and say stupid things. I’d rather they just ask how you’re doing.
Sending your support froma girl who has been there done that.
ICLW #59
Wow
I haven’t heard that one yet
That might be beyond cliche and just rude
Thanks for the post and hopefully we will hear from each other along the way
Abram
Thank you for your post. I am dealing with infertility myself and I think it is true that if someone says “I am thinking of you” or “This sucks”. It feels much better than when someone gives you advice. I had never heard of the procreation vacation.. that’s a new one.. I wish we could all go on vacation and get pregnant. It would be much cheaper than IVF 🙂
Evelyn
cofchristelcajon.wordpress.com
anything to save cash huh? i wish that was a surefire treatment because i could use a beach vacation =)
-A-
I was once a person that believed “Everything happens for a reason”. I had a friend that had a stillborn. I went to visit her shortly after her loosing her son and I said to her, “Everything happens for a reason”. She looked right at me and said “I don’t think there is any reason good enough to justify the death of my son”. A few years later I lost my first baby, and then my second, and have experienced two failed adoptions. It kills me when someone says, “Everything happens for a reason”. There is no reason good enough to justify the loss of my babies and my suffering of failed adoptions. Somethings happen for no reason at all. No reason that we will ever know. I am sorry that people are saying these things to you. People who have not been there do not understand. Thank you for putting this out there to remind those who may want to know what to say and what not to say.
This really hit me hard. I’m so sorry you have had to deal with this. It is so hard to comfort people dealing with these issues. That is why I pray and hope I can communicate correctly to people dealing with such hard times.
Thanks for encouraging me toco tongue writing in hopes of helping people know how to support their friends.
Abram
I still believe everything happens for a reason. No one ever said I had to understand the reason, or like the thing that was happening. There’s an implicit idea that we can’t be angry or mad at the things that happen around us because, in a sense, anger is like idolatry. If we are angry at things that happens its because we think we are more important than G-d’s plan for us.
I used to believe that. Then during one of my miscarriages, second, I think, I told a girlfriend how angry I was and how I wanted so much to rebel against G-d, to show that just as G-d could forsake me (which is what it felt like) I could forsake G-d. And she said she could have said, “Go ahead and be mad at G-d. He can take it.”
I so agree on the don’ts… It is just awful the things people say sometimes. Probably meaning well, but all the while bringing hurt and displaying total lack of empathy and understanding.
It is so hard to know what to say so everyone seems to go right to some hurtful cliches.
Hopefully we can help them understand what people need in these situations