Unlike most women, I’m a fixer. When a friend tells me about a problem my first instinct is to find a solution. I have a hard time just listening without offering some help. In my marriage, it’s the same way. While I think there needs to be a balance between listening and offering solutions, I realize that I may be a little advice-heavy.

When I really examine why I’m like this, I see that the reason could lie in a deeper control issue. I like control. I prefer order to disorder. I like when everything makes sense. In my mind, there’s a solution for every problem and a diet for every disease. I know this isn’t true, but I want to believe it. The world seems a lot less scary when I think that I have control over it.

Over the past 3 years, I’ve tried everything within my power to get pregnant. I went to a Naturopath, a Homeopath, a yoga studio, tried acupuncture, blood work, fertility meds, and a million supplements all to no avail. I think each of these things is good and worthwhile, but I think many of them gave me a false sense of control. I felt like since I was doing something I was moving in the right direction. My busyness gave me the illusion of mastery. But what I’ve found out is that I have no control over my fertility. Sure, I can make healthy decisions and see the right doctors but ultimately God alone can create life in me.

Trying to maintain the illusion of control is exhausting and disappointing. There aren’t 10 easy steps to getting pregnant and I’m learning that I can’t fix this. Instead of turning to a new fertility diet this month, I’m choosing to turn to Jesus. Instead of adding another supplement, I’m going to feast on God’s Word. True peace can only be found when I surrender control to Jesus.

I believe that God has a plan and I’m reminding myself of His promises. This world is full of chaos, but it’s a lot less scary when I know that I am Jesus is in control.

For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

-Sarah

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