it has been very interesting in this long process finding out who my wife has told and realizing who i have told about what we are dealing with. the random people who are keeping our secret are a unique mix of people.
we feel this overwhelming shame of telling people we can’t get pregnant. there is a fear that they will judge us, tell us what we need to do, get weird around us, or keep secrets to protect us.
it is almost as if we did something shameful to put us in this place
but we haven’t done anything to put us in this situation. this is the hand we have been dealt.
to be honest i am extremely scared of telling my parents. i have let them in on glimpses of what we are going through, but i have always hated their reactions and it is putting a wall between us. they tend to react with all the wrong clichés and do not seem to understand how hard this is.
my wife has told her mom but it seems like her mom, who is typically incredibly supportive and thoughtful, has no idea how to respond. we get cards in the mail to get over colds or do well on tests, but never to tell us she is praying we get better.
i really wish infertility could be seen as a disease. i wish people understood we are handicapped by this. i wish people understood how many couples are struggling with infertility because their bodies aren’t functioning properly.
maybe then i could come out of the closet and let everyone know that our bodies need healing and that we are struggling to make this work. that same confusion that people get when they find out they have cancer is the confusion that i live with; why me.
maybe someday this blog will not have to be anonymous.
but for now i want a get well soon card. i want to be told it is o.k. i want to be told that I am o.k.
until then i will continue to put up a wall and keep this secret to myself.
how have all of you decided who to tell and who to not tell?
– “Abram ”
Related articles
- How I came to terms with infertility (salon.com)
- Stress And Infertility (andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com)
- Stress Unlikely to Cause Infertility (nhsbaby.wordpress.com)
- This is everything, yet this is not everything (the infertility goggles) (stillcountingstars.wordpress.com)
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still counting stars 
We have told most people by now. I told people who I work with closely at work to make appointments at the fertility clinic easier. As a teacher taking time off of work, even just an hour or two, for an appointment or a morning blood test is difficult to keep secret especially when it is a regular occurrence. I do find it frustrating when people give me advice and actually dread it. I don’t always tell everyone who knows about our infertility all of the facts because there are some that I find embarrassing. Unfortunately the result is people giving me advice or telling me how I should think about the situation without knowing the whole ‘story’. Unless someone has gone through infertility they really have no idea how many ‘things’ are involved with making a baby. Most people have no idea of all the little things that can go wrong with the body which directly affect a couples fertility.
I have found that “coming out of the infertility closet” has been a mixed blessing. It has gotten to the point where I just don’t talk about it to people who I know say the wrong thing. I have a few friends (and my sister) who know about my infertility blog, but my husband and the rest of both our families do not know about it. My primary blog is about my life, for my family and friends, that is free from TTC commentary. I believe it is good for people to know but also good for them to know that it is a topic that is only discussed when you need support, but I would only talk to those you know will say things that you do not fear hearing.
(i found your blog after you liked mine!)
We never kept it a secret. Everything was out in the open. We felt that we would have way more support that way. Anyone who knows me knows I research everything 199%, so if they had something to say that varied from ours…they just kept quite about it, and instead remained encouraging. –we were lucky.
[…] am so afraid of the “scarlet letter” or the “infertility goggles” or “coming out of the closet” that i deny what is going on here. i am not owning the fact that all things are from Him, […]
There is such conflicting information, eat this no don’t eat that too much mercury. Avoid this, stress causes it: no stress doesn’t cause it. I could get pregnant, but I struggled with staying pregnant. So who do you tell and when? The struggles with comments about it “being God’s will.” Being angry at God. the rollercoaster of emotions.
The strength of your love for each other in this journey is an inspiration, Abram and Sarah. Know that your bodies are perfect and time will reveal the wisdom of and reasons for their choices. xoxox
Thanks for the follow. My good thoughts and get well wishes are with you and your wife. Love to you, and luck.
Oh, dear one….you and your precious wife are perfectly made. It may be as simple as a “God’s timing issue” which isn’t really simple at all. What I am trying to say is the love between you and your wife is the important thing. Showing your love to each other continues with or without children. But something tells me that sometime in the near future, you will get a surprise. I know a man who never had children but talks about his nephew as if he were his own. This little boy needs his uncle in his life! Not having children allowed this man to be a ‘father’ to many. I am so sorry that you were shamed and feel there is something wrong with you or the situation. Love is all there is…..Sending love and blessings your way.
I haven’t experienced it, but it I can imagine it’s worse than a loss. My heart is with you.
Thanks!
The infamous infertility closet….. I came out soon after our first appointment with our endocrinologist…… We are VERY open about our “circumstances” – I think it’s important to be transparent and it’s been a good thing for us. We’re surrounded by so many wonderful people who we’ve found are going through the same thing and others who are going through it with us. I don’t regret it at all. It’s also nice to be open about it because there’s always this breaking of a picture perfect ideal that can help people relate to you and let them know that EVERYone has issues of some sort. It is a little odd to hear the awkward silences after someone says something crude & rude or when you answer the “when are you guys having babies?” question but it comes with the territory. I’ve grown a lot and I know others have to as a result of our testimony so in a way, I’m glad to be used by God in this area. I’m also praying that we (you guys, as well) will be able to share testimonies from the other side of this struggle. There are days I’m doubtful but mostly I’m confident in Gods timing and the truth that He never makes a mistake. We have to trust Him & want what He has for us much more than wanting what we want.
Praying for you guys!
This is a great post and left me with tears in my eyes. I wish you well and that God answers your prayers. My problem has been recurrent miscarriages, and we slowly started to tell people after the second. I have no regrets. In my experience, the more people understand the less likely they are to say insensitive things. Of course they still say hurtful things sometimes and I’m disappointed in people I think should “know better” who still make inane comments, but the weight that lifted from me when we became more open about our struggles was profound. I have felt so blessed to realize what good friends and family I have that support me through this time. I hope you find great support no matter what you choose to do.
My husband and I had fertility issues too. After our first miscarriage, I started talking about it and I was overwhelmed with how many of my friends were going through the same thing. Many of us even went to the same fertility specialist. It was so wonderful to find out there were so many people around us who could support us and who we could commiserate with.
There were times when I just wanted to vent and found that people who had never went through infertility did not understand and often thought I was being overdramatic and sometimes even bitter.
In some ways… I probably was. Although, I would say I had every right to be.
Thankfully, we responded well to treatment and were able to bring home a healthy baby girl (who just turned 7).
It is a hard road sometimes and the journey can be so challenging. We have friends who are still on that journey and every night we pray that they will end that journey with a child in their arms.
I have the same wish for you. 🙂
Thanks for sharing this wonderful blog.
Thanks for sharing some hope with us. We love happy endings and are hoping for one ourselves!
This is such a great post. I hate to add yet another comment, but want to share that this is something I’ve also kind of been struggling with, but in a different way. We haven’t been “trying” very long, and as far as I can tell, don’t have any issues, but it’s still too early in the game to say for sure, and for now, I’m going to be optimistic. However, trying or not, for years now, I’ve felt forgotten about by so many of my “friends” who have been lucky enough to have children. Many are on #2 already. And while I’m happy for them, I can’t help but feel abandoned…. like they don’t want anything to do with us since we’re not pregnant or don’t have kids. For months, I prayed about it but had no new ideas on how to re-kindle the friendships. So recently we decided to go public with the fact that we’re trying. We haven’t had the opportunity to actually DO it yet, but something tells me it’s the answer I’ve been looking for.
I wish you the very best of luck whenever and wherever you decide to break the news! I’ll be praying for you both!
it is ok Abraham and Sarah. My heart and prayers goes out to you. And yeah ‘get well soon.’
Fortunately I never struggled with this but I have a dear friend who has. I went with her for her “last chance” yesterday. She will find out in 12 days if it worked. Her husband died of cancer two weeks ago and his last wish was to be a father. I know it is all in God’s hands but my heart aches for her.
When I first read your post, I thought “Why would you keep it a secret or feel shame?” But then I remembered that I, too, had kept my infertility a secret. I, too, didn’t want the well-intended but hurtful comments or the pity or the judgment. It’s been 11 years since I had my oldest daughter. I have forgotten the solitude of that time of infertility (four years for us with no other diagnosis but “unexplained infertile”). The internet saved me from slipping into depression. I found so many people on fertility forums who were helpful and supportive. We understood what it was like going through tests & procedures, having procedures fail, suffering miscarriages. And we also were genuinely elated when someone conceived and carried to term. It proved there was hope. In the years since, I’ve been very open about my infertility and miscarriages. I talk about it all pretty often, figuring somewhere along the way, I just may help someone else not feel so alone. I pray God answers your prayers with a viable pregnancy and healthy baby! And let me add, it’s worth all the work, all the disappointments, all the hurdles, all the ridiculous comments – these will all be but minor blips on your journey when you finally hold your child in your arms. God bless.
Thanks for the encouragement. It’s so good to hear a “success story” and be reminded to keep looking at the big picture. I know this is just a season.
-Sarah
I found your blog by you subscribing to mine. This particular post really struck a chord with me. I was just reading an article about people who are ashamed and secretive about their fertility issues and I just want you to know that if you need someone else to “talk to”, email me, comment on my blog, etc. My husband and I told A LOT of people that we were having trouble conceiving and it was the greatest thing we could ever do. It gave us a support group……even when people said insensitive things without meaning to, we always took it as support because, like you said, they didn’t know because they didn’t go through it. Anyway, to make a long comment short……us telling other people was the best thing for the other people too. I have helped 3 people at work who had trouble, kept it a secret, and told me in confidence because they knew I had had trouble too (because I told so many people LOL), and I am currently in the process of helping one of my best friends deal with issues as well. It is an issue no one should go through alone. The reason we didn’t really tell our families (mostly our parents) is because moms, especially mine, are very good at giving unwanted advice. And I knew their advice would not necessarily support fertility treatment. Please, if either of you ever need someone to talk to, I hope I can help even though I don’t know you…..I know what you’re going through. Sorry my comment was so long….I just really would like to help if I can.
You are okay! You are honest, (though anonymous). You will be at peace when you realize most people are not as brave, open, and honest as you are. Most folks are fucked up. You are not!!
Good Luck! And, just in case you cannot get pregnant, Look on the bright side! Just think of it as not having to bring someone up in this mostly cowardly, dishonest, corrupt world!
Thanks for finding my blog, and in turn causing me to check out your blog. I’m really touched by your honesty about infertility and the various struggles. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years. We haven’t sought medical help yet, mostly because of fear of what we may find. We know there is a good chance it’s nothing and a little this or that would help, but there is the constant fear in the back of our minds that it will be something more.
We personally told out parents and small number of friends. We didn’t seek out the friends, we just recently decided that when someone close to us asks “When are you having kids” we’ll say “We’ve actually been trying for two years and would love it you’d be praying for us.” To people we don’t know as well we usually say something like “Just as soon as God is ready,” and they can decide how they want to take that.
One thing I’ve found from being slightly more open about infertility, is that the more I tell people, the more people I find in my day to day life who’ve struggled with it as well. It’s comforting to know we’re not alone. 🙂
Also…I share my blog on my facebook, so many of my friends and family are now aware, just from reading. It took me a long time to be willing to open that door, though.
Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
This is such a hard issue. Even though intellectually we (and I’m sure you) know there is nothing to be ashamed of, and that infertility is a disease, and that you didn’t cause it, it is still hard not to blame ourselves. Time really does help. When we were going through ectopic pregnancies, and then IVF, we didn’t tell anyone. I got online support which was amazing, and my husband was, I suspect, a bit like you and didn’t want anyone to know. It was self-protection. Infertility is painful enough without having to put up with insensitive comments from people who don’t understand.
But we’re years on from that now, and whilst we don’t go around talking openly about it – only to good friends or those we think understand, or those we think might take heart from our situation – we’re not ashamed, and we’re actually okay with living without children too.
I have to add, it’s never really been something we have discussed with my in-laws, as we know they won’t understand. They knew about the pregnancy losses, but they don’t know (unless one of the siblings has told them) that we did IVF.
There is no shame in it. I understand how you may feel that way. I’ve been in the position to feel as if I’m biologically impaired, you know? You and your wife are both okay, even if it’s not okay right now. I want you to get well soon. I hope, and wish, and pray that you will be blessed.
I am now facing the possibility that I may never have more children, as you may already know. I have only told the people closest to me, meaning only the ones that knew about the surgery. I have a feeling the doctor will have some unsettling news for me on Wednesday. They added a few days of downtime to my recovery after the surgery that was not mentioned previously. I was told that I could return to work the next day. Instead, at my release, they advised me to attempt to remain as immobile as I could for the next three days.
I’ll keep you guys updated. I want to stand with you, no matter what happens.
Please keep us updated. I really hope the best for you come Wednesday. I hope you are healed.
Thank you for the encouragement. It is very hard for me to not be ashamed. I feel as if people will blame me or my wife as if we did this to ourselves.
I’m trying to get some courage.
I’ve always let people in on a need to know basis. I have found few people who are truly supportive of our struggle and most people really don’t understand the pain or treat you different. I love the male perspective of this because I find it difficult to even understand what my husband is going through. Thanks for liking my page and bringing me to your blog! I look forward to catching up on it.
Thanks for the comment. Hopefully my side of this situation can help you understand your husband more or help start great conversation between you two.
I have three people I really go to about this. Two of which found out they were pregnant within the last month. They a really great guys that have not made this awkward.
I’ve had to come out a bit at work so people could understand I didn’t want to be overwhelmed with people asking me when we are having kids.
Most people cannot comprehend this process at all. They just say bad cliches and get quiet.
Get well soon dear people. But if not, trust God anyway just like your namesakes. Speak truth, though I know it hurts to speak it sometimes. Prayers in abundance and much love xox
This reply really got to me tonight. Thank you for sharing such wisdom. Also thank you for the words I needed to hear
Abram
I am mostly “in the closet” so to speak and have been thinking about this a long time. This topic was going to be one of my next blog topics. I struggle with reaching out to others, getting the support I need and protecting my already tattered feelings. I’ve never been the type to open up to others, so this whole process is very difficult for me. I agree that this should be seen as a disease, or at least, a disability.
Putting ourselves out there is scary
I just don’t want to hear the reactions. It is very hard knowing that people will not understand
Hearing my mom tell me that what is meant to be is meant to be broke my heart. It is as if she has given up on us already by the way she said it
Even though there is nothing to be ashamed of, there is fear of judgment.
Hopefully you can figure out how much you want to reveal and you can find the support you need
Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. I have been reading your posts, and they have resonated deeply with me. My husband and I have been inferitle for seven years. The worst part of infertility is the loneliness. It’s not like you’re in a wheelchair and people instantly know that something is “wrong” with you. We “came out of the closet” a few years ago. As the pain has begun to heal, I have gradually become much more open about discussing my infertility. In fact, I now want to educate the world about how to interact with infertile people. It’s wonderfully freeing to “come out”; I encourage you to do it as soon as you feel ready. Yes, you get a lot of pity and a lot of really stupid comments, but you also get the love and support you need. And most of all, you don’t feel as alone. Here’s a poem I wrote about infertility (I wrote it for a friend who has also had trouble conceiving):
http://emilymullaswilson.wordpress.com/2011/01/09/a-flower-for-a-friend/
And here’s a post I wrote about how I deal with Mother’s Day:
http://emilymullaswilson.wordpress.com/2011/05/07/happy-mmmm-ental-health-day/
Keep blogging away, and know that you have nothing to be ashamed of and that you are not alone.
I agree. The worst part is the loneliness. I do not personally know anyone who is currently going through this, but I knew a few from several years ago when I was in my early 20’s. Needless to say, I didn’t know that one day I would be in a similar situation.
It goes in spurts for us. I thought I knew a lot of people dealing with this
Then they all got pregnant
I never thought this could be an issue with us
I never knew it was so prevalent, yet I still feel so lonely
Luckily I have a great wife that doesn’t make this any more stressful than it needs to be. We are really sticking together in this.
Emily
Thanks for sharing the links. The poem is beautiful and your post really touched me.
Its so hard to imagine 7 years of this and I really feel for you and pray that you can have a child.
I know the love and support is worth dealing with the other comments. I hope I can open up even more in the coming year
Thanks again
Abram
I found that, once we reached the point where we were doing medications/IUIs/IVF, the best thing for me was just to be open and matter-of-fact about everything. If I tried to hide what was happening, people either asked awkward questions or avoided the subject completely, and I realized that I needed to be able to talk about it. I told my parents and my husband told his, for the reasons someone else stated above (to let them know we weren’t purposely not having grandchildren for them), and for everyone else to whom I am relatively close, I just let it be one of those things we talk about: we go out for coffee, they say “How are you?” and I say, “I’m upset that our first IVF didn’t work but I’m really excited to go to the soccer game next weekend”. I don’t get into it with coworkers or with casual acquaintances – it doesn’t seem worth it. For everyone else, though, I figure I’m going to be on this journey for a while — and I’ll need their support to make it through it, so being able to talk openly and freely about it is vital.
Thank you for the encouragement to be more open.
How do you fit it into a conversation without it becoming the entire conversation or “killing” a conversation?
I find that when i mention it all other conversation seems to die because it’s hard to talk about soccer games when I drop a bomb like that.
Any advice is very appreciated
Abram
It is such a difficult path.. but I hope that as time passes you will be able to share your story in a more open manner. Personally I have found that being and honest is what has helped me to cope- for every person I told I was connected to another infertile which has really helped illuminate this winding path.
Thank you for the support. It is slowly becoming easier.
Hopefully soon and can let people in a bit more
It would be beneficial to be connected to more people and I do see how it is a lot easier to be connected by being open
Abram
I can really understand how it can break couples, we have dealt with it in different ways, initially I could talk about it and Villa Boy couldn’t, now he can talk about it and I find it more difficult. I do try though and share the pain, if it means one less person doesn’t get asked repeatedly “isn’t it time you had babies” then I have helped.
I understand the shame as well – but I also feel anger that I feel ashamed I shouldn’t and I know I should be ashamed of something that is beyond my control – however I do
xx
It is such a weird handicap in that we go through it as couples but we have such different experiences and reactions at times. We are both going through the hard times but still have to be very careful around each other to make sure we are still supportive.
There are so many things we know we shouldn’t feel when it comes to infertility, but it is hard not to feel them. They are natural reactions
Thank you for doing your part to help reduce my least favorite question 🙂
Abram
Oh, such a hard thing to deal with! I’m right there with you. My husband began just telling people, “We’d love to have kids.” When they brought up the subject. Those closer to us know more about the day to day struggle and I answer honestly anyone else who asks questions.
Now it’s a bit more common knowledge in my circles because I began to write about it and had several articles published. The first person outside of family that finds out is always a bit awkward- but it is also very freeing to know that others are praying and loving and hoping with you.
Just remember grace. grace upon grace upon grace. Have grace for those around you who might not know what to say or how to say it. And accept God’s grace for yourselves!
Thank you for the advice
I know I need to have grace and be covered in grace
I know I need to recognize that people are trying to help
Thank you for encouraging me that it will get better
How long did it take you to start publishing about it and letting friends know?
I was (kind of) told by one doctor that I could possibly be infertile and told by another that I absolutely was not infertile. I know how utterly devistated I was to think of the possibility that I may never have a child of my own so when a doctor provided hope I immediately reached for it. I will always choose faith & hope to cling too. I am so terribly sorry for the struggle you and your wife are facing. It’s a tragedy that no one should have to endure. So here is your “Get Well Soon” card from me. I pray that God lays his healing hands upon you. And if it is not in God’s will, I pray that he give you peace and comfort and joy as you embark on the path that he has planned for you. I know how difficult it can be to trust in God during such heartache but I also know that his blessings are abundant if you just have faith. You and your wife will be in my prayers. My love to you and yours.
Jessica,
Thank you for the “get well soon”
It has been a day that I have needed it.
Thank you for the prayers most of all. God’s will is confusing, but we trust in Him as much as possible
Really great post. My wife and I dealt with the same thing as couple. It takes courage to tell people.
How did you decide to tell people, or is it still pretty secret
I don’t know you, but I do hope you get well soon and will pray for you that you may get what you so badly want
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Abram
From one part of the family, I got a lot of shame along the lines of, “We didn’t talk about our miscarriages, so you shouldn’t talk about yours or about your struggle with infertility.” My mother-in-law was wonderful though. About 3 years into our struggle she took me aside and said, “I have no idea what you’re going through or how to support you. I’ve never known anyone who struggled with getting pregnant. We love you and we’re here for you, whatever you need. Just, you have to tell us what you need, because this is out of our experience, but we want to be there for you.”
To appease the, “do not discuss,” contingent, I spoke in veiled terms about what we were doing and where we were in our process all along the way. That way if you wanted to know, you could be kept updated via Facebook and Twitter, and if you didn’t, you just ignored the cryptic updates.
Thank you for yet another great comment
I tend to be pretty veiled myself. I do not really have an open forum to tell people to go for the details
I tend to use the whole “we are hoping pretty soon” answer to many questions that hopefully back people off from giving me baby pressure. Some get the gist, but most don’t.
It’s so nice to hear about your mother in law. It gives me hope there are people out there like that.
I read a book “Love and Infertility,” and heard the author speak and one of the things she said was to have prepared “elevator speeches” 1-2 minute statements about what you want to say when people ask about your family planning. And then instead of being taken aback and blurting out something that makes you or them uncomfortable, you have a smoother reply.
Q: “You’re so good with kids, when are you going to have a family.”
A: “I have a team of experts working on that right now.”
A “My husband and I are a family. If we get to expand that family, that would be fabulous.”
etc.
I love “I have a team of experts working on that”! It’s funny but true. Thanks for the advice. -Sarah
I told people gradually (the full story is here: http://www.ivillage.co.uk/ivf-tell-or-not-tell/137550?field_pages=0 )
One thing I never felt was shame though. It is a disease. There was nothing I could have do/ can do to prevent it. My awkwardness stemmed from how to tell people, especially my mother in law, without it sounding like we were about to announce a pregnancy “sit down we have something to tell you …” But I wanted my in-laws to know that we weren’t depriving them of grandchildren on purpose.
I also find spelling out from the start as to how you expect them to act, what kind of support you need, helps.
good luck.
This is really helpful
I never really pictured sitting them down and spilling it
I also realize that spelling out the support we need would be helpful and help create boundaries for how the topic can come up
Thank you so much for your comment. This might help us more than you will ever know.
Abram
It took us a long time too to tell anyone. Partly because we were doing our best to ignore it ourselves and most definitely did not feel like telling anyone about it. Now, however, almost 6 years down the line I try to tell as many people as possible… Out of principle. It’s my way of trying to do just a little bit to create more openness about infertility. If I talk and more of us do, maybe it will one day get easier for those who come after. It’s never nice to tell people though. You always get the stupid comments that are always well-meaning but hurtful non-the-less. And we always feel people’s lack of understanding quite strongly. I try not to blame people for that, they can’t help it. I guess nobody understands this unless they have experienced it.
Your very right. People do not understand unless they have experienced it.
It is becoming easier and easier for us to tell more people, but it is still us putting ourselves out there.
I’m glad your bringing awareness
Our plan is to continue to open up to friends but keep this blog anonymous so that we can be as honest as possible about how situations affect us without hurting the feelings of our friends.
Abram
It is a step-by-step process – from being very closed in the beginning to slowly becoming more open when you are ready and of course selectively. With family and close friends we share a lot of detail and with others just the general idea.
I still have not told anyone except my husband about my blog for instance. Strange how it can be easier to be completely open and share extremely intimate and heart breaking experiences with strangers. But I guess it is because here in the ‘blog world’ of fellow infertiles we are bound together by common experience and heartache.