Archives for posts with tag: abraham

to be honest I have come back to this blog every couple months and read through all of your comments.  they have given me the comfort that I need.  they have helped me know I am not alone.  i used writing as a way to hash out my feelings and hopefully bless other people going through a similar story.  infertility is a long hard road of feeling alone and overlooked.

growing up I have always been able to turn to music for help.  it got me through my “teenage angst”.  i always loved how an artist could speak the words I wanted to say.  i loved connecting with the singer and knowing i was not alone.

///through the dark skies and the stubborn clouds….

last month a good friend of mine was able to pass along a burnt cd with the title “stubborn clouds” on it to me.  he said that this artist knew my pain and my waiting.  he said that this artist was able to hash through infertility in a way that hasn’t been done before.

these songs tore me apart.  these words described me waiting with “Sarah” for the monthly phone call that let me down.  these words described this vision I once had of God having perfect plans for my life but not coming through.  they describe me looking up at cloudy skies hoping that sun would shine through; hoping I could sing again.

this e.p. I was lucky to run across went through a short story of love and hope of that “someday” we dream of.

I really want to share these songs with you and hopefully bless you.  I am inspired to write again and go through these songs and the feelings I have had that are now put into melodies.  the artist has not yet released the full cd, so I will start with what they put online.  I hope you take the time to listen to the full story and go through the journey of finding hope in a hopeless situation

Stubborn Clouds

Once again in the waiting room
The smell of fear fighting your perfume
And the Holy Ghost and the devil take their turns
One speaks of all that I deserve
The other speaks in simpler terms of a fierce love that cannot be contained

I say I know the man who gives and takes
I’ve done him some favors so maybe he’ll save the day
Maybe not
I know the man who can raise the dead
I haven’t been faithful but maybe he’ll be instead
I sure hope so

Oh, I can see it now
Through the dark skies and stubborn clouds
Somehow you will break out and cover us all in a song
Somehow all of this chaos makes sense now
The fiercest of storms bring out the best sailors

Once again waiting for the call
Trembling yet strong for her
The deceiver finds an opening
He speaks of all you haven’t done
He denies that the war was won
In the graveyard, through the veins of a King

And I say I know the man who gives and takes
And it’s not about favors, it’s more about His story
He is love
I know the man who can raise the dead
He has done it before and he’ll do it again in us
He is love

Oh, I can see it now
Through the dark skies and stubborn clouds
Somehow you will break out and cover us all in a song
Somehow all of this chaos makes sense now
The fiercest of storms bring out the best sailors

may your story
flow through my veins
let me sing again
may your glory
fill my lungs
oh let me sing again

here is a link to the album stream

Brad Atkin - Stubborn Clouds

– “Abram”


Hey fellow star-counters,

I think that’s what I’m going to call you guys. Star-counters. It’s a reference from the story of Abram and Sarah and you should totally check out the full thing in Genesis 15. But in my own words, Abram is having a hard night and he cries out to God, “Why haven’t you given me kids?!”

Been there? I have.

Many times.

So God tells him to go outside and look up at the stars. The God says to him;

“Look up at the sky and count the stars- if indeed you can count them.
So shall your offspring be.”

In the midst of Abram’s hopeless situation, God gives him a promise. God shows him hope. He causes Abram to look beyond his current situation. And I believe that God wants us to experience that same hope. He wants us to know He’s in control even when our hormones are not. He is the Prince of Peace and he wants us to know His peace even when we get another negative test result.

God may not have promised each one of us that our children will be as numerous as the stars in the sky. Or that we’d be able to have children naturally. Or even that our children will be perfectly healthy when we finally get them. But he has promised to be in control. One of my favorite promises that He’s made comes from Jeremiah 29:11:

“For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord.
“Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

So if the challenges of today are more than you can bear, take time to look up and count the stars. Remember the promises that God has made to you. He wants to prosper you and He has plans for your future.

I’ll be counting stars with you.


I’ve been sick for the past couple days and have spent most of my time sleeping. In between naps, my mom brought over some homemade chicken noodle soup and a torn-out page from World Magazine of an editorial she found interesting. While that article was thought-provoking, what really captivated me was the article on the back. It’s titled “No turning back; In the face of tragedy, a family’s choice to praise God challenges us to do the same.”

This is a thought that’s been on my mind a lot lately. Praise in the midst of tragedy. Gratefulness in the midst of destruction. The article tells of Scott and Janet Willis who “lost six children in a single day when a piece of metal fell off a truck and punctured the gas tank of their minivan.” In moments, their world forever changed. Unexplainable circumstances and unbelievable loss. I can’t begin to imagine the scene.

But in just a few more lines, the tragedy is overshadowed by the response. As Scott was being helped to the ambulance, he yelled to his wife in the midst of the chaos, “Psalm 34“. Her hands were badly burned in the accident and surrounded by emergency workers, she said over and over, “I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be on my mouth.”

Just feet away from their burning car and the grave of their 6 children, Scott and Janet made the conscious decision to praise the Lord.

Their faithfulness leaves me speechless.

But Janet and Scott are not alone, the Bible and our own lives are full of these inspiring examples.

“Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him” Job 13:15

Sing, O barren one, who did not bear” Isaiah 54:1

Even Jesus made the decision to trust when he said, “I will put my trust in Him.” Hebrews 2:13

I too have a choice over how I respond to infertility.

I can be jealous and bitter and separate myself from my expecting friends. Or, I can choose to praise. The article in World Magazine says it best;

” A command to sing at such a time would be cruel counsel if it were not true that in worship we find deliverance. Praise meets trauma where nothing else can reach. Praise in the face of devastation reaches blessings obtainable in no other way. The presence of God is directly related to worship.”

Right now, the trauma in my life is infertility. I don’t know if I’ll ever be blessed with the miracle of life growing inside me or if I’ll ever get to see tiny eyes that look like me and my husband. But what I do know is that I have complete control over how I choose to respond. Thanks to the faithful example of the Willis Family and so many who have gone before me, I will choose to praise.


if you truly trust God with all your heart,

if you truly trust that he has perfect timing,

is turning to science lack of faith?

is turning from a natural pregnancy to pills and shots a “Hagar moment” (See Genesis 16)?

God’s promise

welcome to my last month.  my mind has raced at night.  my mind played some nasty tricks on me

in the end i had to come to the harsh realization that those stars i count at night are not specific promises to me.  I have not been told by God that he has a cute little chubby cheeked version of me all planned out.  i have no idea if that is His plan.  i can only know he loves me.

our life of supplements and acupuncture and pregnancy teas has turned into heavy drugs,giving my wife a shot in her belly, and watching my precious “Sarah” leave early for numerous blood tests and ultrasounds.  this is no longer “natural”, but it is still putting faith in God.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:28-29)

God’s provision

God has provided us with talented doctors and nurses.  He has risen people up with the skills to help cure our problem.  He has blessed us with the ability to pay for these insane doctor bills.  How is this not provision?

We have all heard the cliché stories of the man stuck in the fire that did not let the fireman rescue him since he was waiting on God.  As silly as that story is, i think it would be irresponsible for us as a couple not to try the avenues that were put before us.  even in this process, we rely on God alone to use these medical procedures to get us through.

God’s Compassion

This brings me to the major lesson I have learned while studying healing in the bible.  God has compassion for us and this empty part of me hurts him too.

“When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, He had compassion on them and healed their sick” (Matthew 14:14). 

“Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed Him” (Matthew 20:34). 

God hurts for us and I believe he wants us to go through this process of redemption.  as much as it feels like he does not care about all of the work i have done in his name over the years, he has compassion on me.  me searching for a way to get pregnant is not a slap in the face to God.  He is ultimately in control and i am following my dreams.

this video has been pretty instrumental in keeping the faith these tough years.  i can tell Kari Jobe is going through something very difficult that i can liken to my own experience.

some days i need to just wake up and repeat, “i know that you are for me”

He is for us and will always be.  He may seem very far off in times like these, but I am in no spot to question how he chooses to work in me until that day when i am complete with him.

God is for us


Fresco with image of Abraham to sacrifice his ...

Image via Wikipedia

you are correct

my name is not “Abram”, but i would rather not have my real name anywhere on this blog so I can be honest.  i chose Abram (who you may know as Abraham) because he was promised offspring by God and had a very tough time waiting.  in Genesis 16, Abram was so frustrated that God had not come through that he slept with Sarai’s servant, who had Ishmael.  this was when he was 86 years old.  his firstborn with Sarai did not come until he was 99, thirteen years later.  Abram must have spent many nights outside counting the stars and struggling with God’s promises.  i can relate to him.  he was called by God to stick by his wife and wait for the blessing.  this blessing came much later and was in God’s timing.

i want this to be a place for those of us counting those stars.  i want to provide a place for men to discuss, chew on, and support each other.  i want us to be able to wait for Isaac in a way that lifts up God.

i also want to have a place to lay out the journey.  this will hopefully one day be a testament to how faithful our God is.

my wife, “sarah”, is an amazing woman of God who will also detail out this process that has been very difficult for the last years.  i pray that she can both encourage and support those who have been going through a similar situation.

i am very saddened that infertility has been mostly ignored in my social circles and i do not really have any mentors in this area because it is a very personal issue.

i have also noted that there is very little information out there for men going through this.  this has been a very difficult process and can be very damaging to a marriage if not tackled with hard work and intent.  my hope is that my portion of this blog can be helpful with encouragement and some insight on how we might be better supporters of our wives or families.

God is not safe, but he is good.  may our belief be credited to us as righteousness.


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