Archives for posts with tag: Grief

The more I read, the more I’m compared to a tree

The more I notice that my branches aren’t quite ripening

The more I’m told, the more I feel like no one knows

Simple lines of comfort sometimes cause more pain

Sometimes people try to tell me stories. Sometimes they try to tell me the easy cliches that everyone knows. Sometimes they say that everything happens for a reason or this is how God is growing me into a better person.

Don’t get me wrong, I am healing. It’s not because of your reasons.

Could you just be here, just be with me. Sometimes that is all that i need.

I wish I could communicate in an easy way that the best times I have had in dealing with infertility was when someone came along with me and did life. I knew they were with me. I knew that there couldn’t be some easy spiritual answer that would make me feel better about my pain.

Part of me wishes I could be that voice for you. An anonymous male knowing first hand the pains of infertility . Knowing first hand what friends or the church have done well and what they have done wrong in this situation.

Here is a video that I hope can be seen by more people and can be spread. While not specific to us, it gives me hope that we can just be there for each other.

What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Suffering from The Gospel Coalition on Vimeo.

This past weekend was Easter, and if you’re a Christian you probably spent Sunday morning at church celebrating the Resurrection of Jesus. You also probably spent some time at church on Friday remembering the Crucifixion. The days are only 2 days apart yet they feel so different. One is quiet, introspective, and broken while the other is joyful, social, and, for many, full of chocolate. But until this year, I never thought about the day that falls between those two.

It’s easy to skip over Saturday. From our perspective of the Resurrection story, nothing happened that day. Jesus was in the tomb waiting for the next morning when He would rise from the dead. But can you imagine what that Saturday was like for the disciples? These were men who had quit their jobs to follow Jesus. They had left their homes and their families and their belongings to be a part of His story. Clearly, they believed in Him. What would it take you to give up your job and your home to follow a stranger? Now imagine the despair they felt on that Saturday. Everything they believed in had died. Their hope for a future was gone and the disappointment they felt must have been unbearable. They knew Jesus had said He would rise from the dead, but I’m sure the situation felt pretty hopeless on Saturday. Life didn’t go as they had planned.

Do you ever feel like you’re stuck on Saturday?

You know what God’s promises are, but they seem pretty impossible. You want to believe His words, but you’re overcome with disappointment.

Unlike the disciples, we know the end of the story. We know what happens on Sunday. We see that every word Jesus said was true. And in the light of Sunday, Saturday doesn’t seem so bad.

Maybe you’ve been stuck in this infertility journey for too long and you’re having a hard time seeing the hope of Sunday. Maybe you feel like you’re hanging by a thread. I’m there with you and I know how hard it is. Let’s continue to remind ourselves that God’s promises are true. In your hardest times and disappointing months, cling to the promises He’s made. He is the God of the impossible and we can trust that He won’t break a single promise.

Thanks to a song by All Sons and Daughters, I learned this Easter that God has a lesson for us about that Saturday. When you have a few minutes, listen to this song and their commentary about it. Be encouraged, Sunday is coming!

Hey fellow star-counters,

I think that’s what I’m going to call you guys. Star-counters. It’s a reference from the story of Abram and Sarah and you should totally check out the full thing in Genesis 15. But in my own words, Abram is having a hard night and he cries out to God, “Why haven’t you given me kids?!”

Been there? I have.

Many times.

So God tells him to go outside and look up at the stars. The God says to him;

“Look up at the sky and count the stars- if indeed you can count them.
So shall your offspring be.”

In the midst of Abram’s hopeless situation, God gives him a promise. God shows him hope. He causes Abram to look beyond his current situation. And I believe that God wants us to experience that same hope. He wants us to know He’s in control even when our hormones are not. He is the Prince of Peace and he wants us to know His peace even when we get another negative test result.

God may not have promised each one of us that our children will be as numerous as the stars in the sky. Or that we’d be able to have children naturally. Or even that our children will be perfectly healthy when we finally get them. But he has promised to be in control. One of my favorite promises that He’s made comes from Jeremiah 29:11:

“For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord.
“Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

So if the challenges of today are more than you can bear, take time to look up and count the stars. Remember the promises that God has made to you. He wants to prosper you and He has plans for your future.

I’ll be counting stars with you.

-S

starting a blog with my wife is going to be a tough road.  if this becomes what we want it to become, i need to be honest.  in our situation (see “our story”) we were surprised to find out that once she came off of birth control a couple of years into the marriage that she could no longer have a natural period or ovulate.  this came as a complete shock to both of us.  this has also put me in a situation where i am dealing with both the realization that God has not blessed us with a child and that my wife is going to have a different experience in this than me.  here are some key lessons i had to learn that have helped us through this process.

this is OUR story/// our need to grieve

the hardest part to establish early on was that i saw this as OUR story.  infertility is not one-sided, even if science points to one person not having the ability to have children.  we are married and are going to go through this experience as a couple that both want to work towards conception.  i needed to let my wife know that we are a unit in this.  i do not blame her.  i do not regret this marriage.  i support her and want to be a part of the process.  this means as husbands we ought to know the process.  we need to know the names of the doctors, pills, shots and medications.  we need to know the appointments and what they are for.  this is OUR journey

and for that we need to grieve.  we need to find someone we can confide in.  we need to find a Christian brother that can remind us of the truth in the word.  we need a time to let out our frustrations.  we need to bounce the tough questions off of someone or spend quiet time with God.  do not rob yourself of being able to hurt.  this situation sucks and you are directly involved.

my wife’s experience will be DIFFERENT than mine/// our need to be her rock

to add on to the last point, it is not beneficial to pretend we will have the same experience.  this is OUR struggle but these medications are going to change HER body.  i want to be involved and knowledgeable about what she is going through, but it is important that i respect the fact that she has invasive drugs and early doctor appointments.  she is being pricked and scoped enough to feel like she has a terminal illness.  she is going alone to many doctor appointments.  she may even start to blame herself for the situation despite the fact that she has no control over it.

and for that we need to be her rock.  we need to be able to be supportive, make her feel special, get her through the sick times, and remind her of our love for her.  we need to show her that we support whatever procedures she does or does not want to do.  i have times where i want to make it known to her that it is OK if she takes a break.  i have to let her know that i am not putting pressure on her to find a way to have a child right away.  i respect that she needs to figure out what she can handle.  you may think your spouse knows these things, but this overwhelming task can consume her and she needs to hear them.

the delicate balance of doing both/// the overflowing cup

i am in no way on expert on this balance, but i do know that going fully one way or the other can be dangerous.  find out what has come easy to you and work on the other. in the beginning i would try so hard to just be a rock and i thought i was not able to grieve in this situation because (1) men are tough and (2) she was dealing with a lot more than i was.  this was a lie.  i was dealing with faith issues.  i was hurting and did not have a lot to give.  i felt like any friend i confided in was just concerned with how my wife was doing because i put on a mask that everything was ok with me.

and for that we need to be an overflowing cup.  seek first the kingdom and wrestle with God personally.  also seek out counseling from a  friend or pastor that can help get you through this.  once i was able to find a safe place to grieve i was able to both support my wife and help her grieve.  i did not have to put all of my hurts and frustrations on her because she had a ton to deal with herself.

-Abram-

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