Archives for posts with tag: Marriage

Most of us have heard the story.  Most of us have been annoyed with how simple it seems.  Many of us are just fed up with anecdotes that friends and family use as tools during the discomfort.

Maybe God put a fireman at our window.  Why turn it down?  Do we have more faith by staying in a fire or climbing down the ladder?

That fireman just so happens to have a bag full of shots, pills, appointments, and ultrasounds.  Is my desire to use a doctor out of less belief or out of gratefulness at what he has provided? So how does that fit with my belief that God will provide?  487fb1eac0d6825658bf69e2ed7849d7

I think it fits well.  God is big and has the capacity to move mountains.  He is the immeasurably more.  But the real question depends on what my faith is in.  Is my faith rooted in what my current situation is or in what he has already done?

True faith is rooted 100% in what God has done through Christ.  My redemption has been accomplished and my faith is that I have been saved.  I can have the richest of faith that does not depend on any current circumstances.  As I have come to make that realization I have come to accept that my faith in God is not rooted in whether or not we conceive.  It is rooted in the place that is being prepared for me.  If my faith waivers in times of infertility it is not a true faith.  It is a conditional faith that is rooted in  something that has not been promised.

So when it comes to anecdotes that question what God provides I can be confident that my faith does not waiver when I accept the hand of the rescuer.  I am reliant on a miracle to get me through infertility.  Only God can create life.  Science may be a tool he uses to do so.  That cannot lessen my faith in him………..especially if my faith is wholly in him.

-“Abram”

 

 

Let’s face it.  there are not a ton of books out there for us guys.  i have had a hard time finding a ton of guys even talking about this topic.  i especially have not found a how-to manual.  since my wife and i are very open about the process, i have gotten some pretty good feedback from her as to what she expects. Hopefully some of that will pertain to the rest of you.  (i have also chewed on my fair share of shoes)

“Sarah” is one of the most loving people I know.  She is one of those people that lights up a room: big smile, long brunette hair, fashionable, superhuman white teeth.  She is a fighter with a knack for the delicate.  She has a high tolerance for pain and a good eye for decorating a house.  A Jane-of-all-trades (if that is a phrase).  Believe it or not she is also the emotionally stable one of the marriage and we laugh about that all the time.  (I can’t help crying.  I am an artist)

I am one of those guys that just accepts the fact that somehow I landed her.  It doesn’t make a ton of sense that she married me, but I’m not complaining.

I am especially reminded of how I won the marriage lottery when I have to take my size 10.5 shoes out of my mouth.  Here are some ideas of conversations to stay away from:

1. Probably do not mention that she is being hormonal.  This is especially important when she is taking medicine that is a depressant or is specifically designed to play with her hormones.  No matter how much your current argument makes no sense, it will not make it any better to point out that her emotions are out of wack.  she is trying to help you become a father and screwing with the chemical makeup of her body.

2. Mentioning that she gets to be a hot skinny mom if you have to adopt sounds like a good idea, but... she is going to be a hot mom either way.  This is not motivation for your wife to adopt.  This is motivation for your wife to have self-esteem issues.  There is a big difference there.

3. She most likely isn’t the person to tell that they do not understand what you are going through.  I know as a man we keep this bottled up inside and pretend we are not victims, but if our wives are going through all of this medical trauma on top of not being able to have a kid, they MORE than understand what we are going through.  We have a unique set of circumstances, but i am pretty sure she can understand.  Go get some support from friends or family.

4. Probably don’t talk about having a long-term perspective the day she gets a negative test.  Timing brothers, timing!  This is probably a time just to love her and tell her that.  Probably not a time to break out pamphlets on adoption and show her blogs about adopted infants.  Usually not a good time to say “maybe next time”.

Hopefully these quick and easy steps can help your stressful holiday weekend go a bit smoother.  I am going to take a short weekend from the blog and get back to all of you next week.

If you have any advice you would like to add, leave a comment to help us guys out.

– Abram

it has been very interesting in this long process finding out who my wife has told and realizing who i have told about what we are dealing with.  the random people who are keeping our secret are a unique mix of people.

we feel this overwhelming shame of telling people we can’t get pregnant.  there is a fear that they will judge us, tell us what we need to do, get weird around us, or keep secrets to protect us.

it is almost as if we did something shameful to put us in this place

but we haven’t done anything to put us in this situation.  this is the hand we have been dealt.

to be honest i am extremely scared of telling my parents.  i have let them in on glimpses of what we are going through, but i have always hated their reactions and it is putting a wall between us.  they tend to react with all the wrong clichés and do not seem to understand how hard this is.

my wife has told her mom but it seems like her mom, who is typically incredibly supportive and thoughtful, has no idea how to respond.  we get cards in the mail to get over colds or do well on tests, but never to tell us she is praying we get better.

i really wish infertility could be seen as a disease.  i wish people understood we are handicapped by this.  i wish people understood how many couples are struggling with infertility because their bodies aren’t functioning properly.

maybe then i could come out of the closet and let everyone know that our bodies need healing and that we are struggling to make this work.  that same confusion that people get when they find out they have cancer is the confusion that i live with; why me.

maybe someday this blog will not have to be anonymous.

but for now i want a get well soon card.  i want to be told it is o.k.  i want to be told that I am o.k.

until then i will continue to put up a wall and keep this secret to myself.

how have all of you decided who to tell and who to not tell?

– “Abram ”

there is nothing wrong with distractions

there is nothing wrong with enjoying this time in our marriage

there is no guilt in enjoying things we can enjoy as DINKs (dual income no kids)

i pray we laugh much

i pray we enjoy our dates

i pray we grow closer together and build a marriage

i pray we do not miss this precious time because we are so fixed on our future


this situation has the potential to drag us down, but let’s not miss the blessings that come with extended time together.  our life is not defined by infertility.  our marriage is not defined by the inability to have children.  it is defined by the work God wants to do IN us and THROUGH us.  let’s change the subject whenever we can.  here are a few ways we enjoy the here and now:

1. see the world, especially places that are not stroller friendly

2. go out on nice dates.  you can afford them much easier without having to pay a babysitter

3. do projects together.  build the team while it is still a team of two

4. enjoy some adult beverages, while you still can

5. volunteer together.  pick a ministry and let God use the two of you.

6. get on the same page with your budget.  my wife and i have used this time to adopt the Dave Ramsey program to help set us up for her to someday be a housewife.

7. travel even more.  we can’t get enough

8. spend time experiencing the joy and peace of God.  i know it can be hard to dwell in, but it can really strengthen you for the long haul.

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. (James 4:14)

i pray that we can all find ways to pause and enjoy the moment this week.  focus on who we are in Christ and blessings on other areas of our lives.

take off your scarlet letter and CHOOSE to be defined by bigger things

– “abram” –

starting a blog with my wife is going to be a tough road.  if this becomes what we want it to become, i need to be honest.  in our situation (see “our story”) we were surprised to find out that once she came off of birth control a couple of years into the marriage that she could no longer have a natural period or ovulate.  this came as a complete shock to both of us.  this has also put me in a situation where i am dealing with both the realization that God has not blessed us with a child and that my wife is going to have a different experience in this than me.  here are some key lessons i had to learn that have helped us through this process.

this is OUR story/// our need to grieve

the hardest part to establish early on was that i saw this as OUR story.  infertility is not one-sided, even if science points to one person not having the ability to have children.  we are married and are going to go through this experience as a couple that both want to work towards conception.  i needed to let my wife know that we are a unit in this.  i do not blame her.  i do not regret this marriage.  i support her and want to be a part of the process.  this means as husbands we ought to know the process.  we need to know the names of the doctors, pills, shots and medications.  we need to know the appointments and what they are for.  this is OUR journey

and for that we need to grieve.  we need to find someone we can confide in.  we need to find a Christian brother that can remind us of the truth in the word.  we need a time to let out our frustrations.  we need to bounce the tough questions off of someone or spend quiet time with God.  do not rob yourself of being able to hurt.  this situation sucks and you are directly involved.

my wife’s experience will be DIFFERENT than mine/// our need to be her rock

to add on to the last point, it is not beneficial to pretend we will have the same experience.  this is OUR struggle but these medications are going to change HER body.  i want to be involved and knowledgeable about what she is going through, but it is important that i respect the fact that she has invasive drugs and early doctor appointments.  she is being pricked and scoped enough to feel like she has a terminal illness.  she is going alone to many doctor appointments.  she may even start to blame herself for the situation despite the fact that she has no control over it.

and for that we need to be her rock.  we need to be able to be supportive, make her feel special, get her through the sick times, and remind her of our love for her.  we need to show her that we support whatever procedures she does or does not want to do.  i have times where i want to make it known to her that it is OK if she takes a break.  i have to let her know that i am not putting pressure on her to find a way to have a child right away.  i respect that she needs to figure out what she can handle.  you may think your spouse knows these things, but this overwhelming task can consume her and she needs to hear them.

the delicate balance of doing both/// the overflowing cup

i am in no way on expert on this balance, but i do know that going fully one way or the other can be dangerous.  find out what has come easy to you and work on the other. in the beginning i would try so hard to just be a rock and i thought i was not able to grieve in this situation because (1) men are tough and (2) she was dealing with a lot more than i was.  this was a lie.  i was dealing with faith issues.  i was hurting and did not have a lot to give.  i felt like any friend i confided in was just concerned with how my wife was doing because i put on a mask that everything was ok with me.

and for that we need to be an overflowing cup.  seek first the kingdom and wrestle with God personally.  also seek out counseling from a  friend or pastor that can help get you through this.  once i was able to find a safe place to grieve i was able to both support my wife and help her grieve.  i did not have to put all of my hurts and frustrations on her because she had a ton to deal with herself.

-Abram-

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