Archives for posts with tag: Wife

to be honest I have come back to this blog every couple months and read through all of your comments.  they have given me the comfort that I need.  they have helped me know I am not alone.  i used writing as a way to hash out my feelings and hopefully bless other people going through a similar story.  infertility is a long hard road of feeling alone and overlooked.

growing up I have always been able to turn to music for help.  it got me through my “teenage angst”.  i always loved how an artist could speak the words I wanted to say.  i loved connecting with the singer and knowing i was not alone.

///through the dark skies and the stubborn clouds….

last month a good friend of mine was able to pass along a burnt cd with the title “stubborn clouds” on it to me.  he said that this artist knew my pain and my waiting.  he said that this artist was able to hash through infertility in a way that hasn’t been done before.

these songs tore me apart.  these words described me waiting with “Sarah” for the monthly phone call that let me down.  these words described this vision I once had of God having perfect plans for my life but not coming through.  they describe me looking up at cloudy skies hoping that sun would shine through; hoping I could sing again.

this e.p. I was lucky to run across went through a short story of love and hope of that “someday” we dream of.

I really want to share these songs with you and hopefully bless you.  I am inspired to write again and go through these songs and the feelings I have had that are now put into melodies.  the artist has not yet released the full cd, so I will start with what they put online.  I hope you take the time to listen to the full story and go through the journey of finding hope in a hopeless situation

Stubborn Clouds

Once again in the waiting room
The smell of fear fighting your perfume
And the Holy Ghost and the devil take their turns
One speaks of all that I deserve
The other speaks in simpler terms of a fierce love that cannot be contained

I say I know the man who gives and takes
I’ve done him some favors so maybe he’ll save the day
Maybe not
I know the man who can raise the dead
I haven’t been faithful but maybe he’ll be instead
I sure hope so

Oh, I can see it now
Through the dark skies and stubborn clouds
Somehow you will break out and cover us all in a song
Somehow all of this chaos makes sense now
The fiercest of storms bring out the best sailors

Once again waiting for the call
Trembling yet strong for her
The deceiver finds an opening
He speaks of all you haven’t done
He denies that the war was won
In the graveyard, through the veins of a King

And I say I know the man who gives and takes
And it’s not about favors, it’s more about His story
He is love
I know the man who can raise the dead
He has done it before and he’ll do it again in us
He is love

Oh, I can see it now
Through the dark skies and stubborn clouds
Somehow you will break out and cover us all in a song
Somehow all of this chaos makes sense now
The fiercest of storms bring out the best sailors

may your story
flow through my veins
let me sing again
may your glory
fill my lungs
oh let me sing again

here is a link to the album stream

Brad Atkin - Stubborn Clouds
 

– “Abram”

Let’s face it.  there are not a ton of books out there for us guys.  i have had a hard time finding a ton of guys even talking about this topic.  i especially have not found a how-to manual.  since my wife and i are very open about the process, i have gotten some pretty good feedback from her as to what she expects. Hopefully some of that will pertain to the rest of you.  (i have also chewed on my fair share of shoes)

“Sarah” is one of the most loving people I know.  She is one of those people that lights up a room: big smile, long brunette hair, fashionable, superhuman white teeth.  She is a fighter with a knack for the delicate.  She has a high tolerance for pain and a good eye for decorating a house.  A Jane-of-all-trades (if that is a phrase).  Believe it or not she is also the emotionally stable one of the marriage and we laugh about that all the time.  (I can’t help crying.  I am an artist)

I am one of those guys that just accepts the fact that somehow I landed her.  It doesn’t make a ton of sense that she married me, but I’m not complaining.

I am especially reminded of how I won the marriage lottery when I have to take my size 10.5 shoes out of my mouth.  Here are some ideas of conversations to stay away from:

1. Probably do not mention that she is being hormonal.  This is especially important when she is taking medicine that is a depressant or is specifically designed to play with her hormones.  No matter how much your current argument makes no sense, it will not make it any better to point out that her emotions are out of wack.  she is trying to help you become a father and screwing with the chemical makeup of her body.

2. Mentioning that she gets to be a hot skinny mom if you have to adopt sounds like a good idea, but... she is going to be a hot mom either way.  This is not motivation for your wife to adopt.  This is motivation for your wife to have self-esteem issues.  There is a big difference there.

3. She most likely isn’t the person to tell that they do not understand what you are going through.  I know as a man we keep this bottled up inside and pretend we are not victims, but if our wives are going through all of this medical trauma on top of not being able to have a kid, they MORE than understand what we are going through.  We have a unique set of circumstances, but i am pretty sure she can understand.  Go get some support from friends or family.

4. Probably don’t talk about having a long-term perspective the day she gets a negative test.  Timing brothers, timing!  This is probably a time just to love her and tell her that.  Probably not a time to break out pamphlets on adoption and show her blogs about adopted infants.  Usually not a good time to say “maybe next time”.

Hopefully these quick and easy steps can help your stressful holiday weekend go a bit smoother.  I am going to take a short weekend from the blog and get back to all of you next week.

If you have any advice you would like to add, leave a comment to help us guys out.

– Abram

starting a blog with my wife is going to be a tough road.  if this becomes what we want it to become, i need to be honest.  in our situation (see “our story”) we were surprised to find out that once she came off of birth control a couple of years into the marriage that she could no longer have a natural period or ovulate.  this came as a complete shock to both of us.  this has also put me in a situation where i am dealing with both the realization that God has not blessed us with a child and that my wife is going to have a different experience in this than me.  here are some key lessons i had to learn that have helped us through this process.

this is OUR story/// our need to grieve

the hardest part to establish early on was that i saw this as OUR story.  infertility is not one-sided, even if science points to one person not having the ability to have children.  we are married and are going to go through this experience as a couple that both want to work towards conception.  i needed to let my wife know that we are a unit in this.  i do not blame her.  i do not regret this marriage.  i support her and want to be a part of the process.  this means as husbands we ought to know the process.  we need to know the names of the doctors, pills, shots and medications.  we need to know the appointments and what they are for.  this is OUR journey

and for that we need to grieve.  we need to find someone we can confide in.  we need to find a Christian brother that can remind us of the truth in the word.  we need a time to let out our frustrations.  we need to bounce the tough questions off of someone or spend quiet time with God.  do not rob yourself of being able to hurt.  this situation sucks and you are directly involved.

my wife’s experience will be DIFFERENT than mine/// our need to be her rock

to add on to the last point, it is not beneficial to pretend we will have the same experience.  this is OUR struggle but these medications are going to change HER body.  i want to be involved and knowledgeable about what she is going through, but it is important that i respect the fact that she has invasive drugs and early doctor appointments.  she is being pricked and scoped enough to feel like she has a terminal illness.  she is going alone to many doctor appointments.  she may even start to blame herself for the situation despite the fact that she has no control over it.

and for that we need to be her rock.  we need to be able to be supportive, make her feel special, get her through the sick times, and remind her of our love for her.  we need to show her that we support whatever procedures she does or does not want to do.  i have times where i want to make it known to her that it is OK if she takes a break.  i have to let her know that i am not putting pressure on her to find a way to have a child right away.  i respect that she needs to figure out what she can handle.  you may think your spouse knows these things, but this overwhelming task can consume her and she needs to hear them.

the delicate balance of doing both/// the overflowing cup

i am in no way on expert on this balance, but i do know that going fully one way or the other can be dangerous.  find out what has come easy to you and work on the other. in the beginning i would try so hard to just be a rock and i thought i was not able to grieve in this situation because (1) men are tough and (2) she was dealing with a lot more than i was.  this was a lie.  i was dealing with faith issues.  i was hurting and did not have a lot to give.  i felt like any friend i confided in was just concerned with how my wife was doing because i put on a mask that everything was ok with me.

and for that we need to be an overflowing cup.  seek first the kingdom and wrestle with God personally.  also seek out counseling from a  friend or pastor that can help get you through this.  once i was able to find a safe place to grieve i was able to both support my wife and help her grieve.  i did not have to put all of my hurts and frustrations on her because she had a ton to deal with herself.

-Abram-

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