The more I read, the more I’m compared to a tree

The more I notice that my branches aren’t quite ripening

The more I’m told, the more I feel like no one knows

Simple lines of comfort sometimes cause more pain

Sometimes people try to tell me stories. Sometimes they try to tell me the easy cliches that everyone knows. Sometimes they say that everything happens for a reason or this is how God is growing me into a better person.

Don’t get me wrong, I am healing. It’s not because of your reasons.

Could you just be here, just be with me. Sometimes that is all that i need.

I wish I could communicate in an easy way that the best times I have had in dealing with infertility was when someone came along with me and did life. I knew they were with me. I knew that there couldn’t be some easy spiritual answer that would make me feel better about my pain.

Part of me wishes I could be that voice for you. An anonymous male knowing first hand the pains of infertility . Knowing first hand what friends or the church have done well and what they have done wrong in this situation.

Here is a video that I hope can be seen by more people and can be spread. While not specific to us, it gives me hope that we can just be there for each other.

What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Suffering from The Gospel Coalition on Vimeo.

to be honest I have come back to this blog every couple months and read through all of your comments.  they have given me the comfort that I need.  they have helped me know I am not alone.  i used writing as a way to hash out my feelings and hopefully bless other people going through a similar story.  infertility is a long hard road of feeling alone and overlooked.

growing up I have always been able to turn to music for help.  it got me through my “teenage angst”.  i always loved how an artist could speak the words I wanted to say.  i loved connecting with the singer and knowing i was not alone.

///through the dark skies and the stubborn clouds….

last month a good friend of mine was able to pass along a burnt cd with the title “stubborn clouds” on it to me.  he said that this artist knew my pain and my waiting.  he said that this artist was able to hash through infertility in a way that hasn’t been done before.

these songs tore me apart.  these words described me waiting with “Sarah” for the monthly phone call that let me down.  these words described this vision I once had of God having perfect plans for my life but not coming through.  they describe me looking up at cloudy skies hoping that sun would shine through; hoping I could sing again.

this e.p. I was lucky to run across went through a short story of love and hope of that “someday” we dream of.

I really want to share these songs with you and hopefully bless you.  I am inspired to write again and go through these songs and the feelings I have had that are now put into melodies.  the artist has not yet released the full cd, so I will start with what they put online.  I hope you take the time to listen to the full story and go through the journey of finding hope in a hopeless situation

Stubborn Clouds

Once again in the waiting room
The smell of fear fighting your perfume
And the Holy Ghost and the devil take their turns
One speaks of all that I deserve
The other speaks in simpler terms of a fierce love that cannot be contained

I say I know the man who gives and takes
I’ve done him some favors so maybe he’ll save the day
Maybe not
I know the man who can raise the dead
I haven’t been faithful but maybe he’ll be instead
I sure hope so

Oh, I can see it now
Through the dark skies and stubborn clouds
Somehow you will break out and cover us all in a song
Somehow all of this chaos makes sense now
The fiercest of storms bring out the best sailors

Once again waiting for the call
Trembling yet strong for her
The deceiver finds an opening
He speaks of all you haven’t done
He denies that the war was won
In the graveyard, through the veins of a King

And I say I know the man who gives and takes
And it’s not about favors, it’s more about His story
He is love
I know the man who can raise the dead
He has done it before and he’ll do it again in us
He is love

Oh, I can see it now
Through the dark skies and stubborn clouds
Somehow you will break out and cover us all in a song
Somehow all of this chaos makes sense now
The fiercest of storms bring out the best sailors

may your story
flow through my veins
let me sing again
may your glory
fill my lungs
oh let me sing again

here is a link to the album stream

Brad Atkin - Stubborn Clouds
 

- “Abram”

This past weekend was Easter, and if you’re a Christian you probably spent Sunday morning at church celebrating the Resurrection of Jesus. You also probably spent some time at church on Friday remembering the Crucifixion. The days are only 2 days apart yet they feel so different. One is quiet, introspective, and broken while the other is joyful, social, and, for many, full of chocolate. But until this year, I never thought about the day that falls between those two.

It’s easy to skip over Saturday. From our perspective of the Resurrection story, nothing happened that day. Jesus was in the tomb waiting for the next morning when He would rise from the dead. But can you imagine what that Saturday was like for the disciples? These were men who had quit their jobs to follow Jesus. They had left their homes and their families and their belongings to be a part of His story. Clearly, they believed in Him. What would it take you to give up your job and your home to follow a stranger? Now imagine the despair they felt on that Saturday. Everything they believed in had died. Their hope for a future was gone and the disappointment they felt must have been unbearable. They knew Jesus had said He would rise from the dead, but I’m sure the situation felt pretty hopeless on Saturday. Life didn’t go as they had planned.

Do you ever feel like you’re stuck on Saturday?

You know what God’s promises are, but they seem pretty impossible. You want to believe His words, but you’re overcome with disappointment.

Unlike the disciples, we know the end of the story. We know what happens on Sunday. We see that every word Jesus said was true. And in the light of Sunday, Saturday doesn’t seem so bad.

Maybe you’ve been stuck in this infertility journey for too long and you’re having a hard time seeing the hope of Sunday. Maybe you feel like you’re hanging by a thread. I’m there with you and I know how hard it is. Let’s continue to remind ourselves that God’s promises are true. In your hardest times and disappointing months, cling to the promises He’s made. He is the God of the impossible and we can trust that He won’t break a single promise.

Thanks to a song by All Sons and Daughters, I learned this Easter that God has a lesson for us about that Saturday. When you have a few minutes, listen to this song and their commentary about it. Be encouraged, Sunday is coming!

numb-er

i am not sure if numb-er is a word, but it works better in my little play on words so i am going to go with it.  i added a dash so you wouldn’t think i was counting.

i have abandoned this community that i was growing.  i know that.  i am just going to pretend you are like old college roommates and jump right in where we left off; minus the cheap beer, video games, and staying up until i normally wake up for work.

i just had hoped that maybe by not writing so much as someone going through infertility that i would somehow not be defined by it.  somehow infertility problems would just slowly shrink down and nuzzle themselves somewhere in-between my lesser problems like being a people-pleaser and not being able to pick up after myself (im sure “Sarah” will give an AMEN to that). 

the slow fadeImage

(and yes, i am going to pretend nuzzle is the proper term here.  it is a great term for all married people to learn)

the problem i am finding is that i am denying my story; my part in an epic novel that is ultimately not about me.

i am so afraid of the “scarlet letter” or the “infertility goggles” or “coming out of the closet” that i deny what is going on here.  i am not owning the fact that all things are from Him, through Him, and to Him.  i am not owning up to the fact that i will never know His ways.

and the more i have ignored my story the more numb i have become to how this can change and shape me.

i care about all of you going through this.  i also need to go through this with others.  let’s dive into how to have faith and be men and women of prayer when faith and prayer haven’t seemed to work in our favor.

this has been a nice chat

- “Abram”

what do all of you think absence does to the heart?  does ignoring infertility make anything better?

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It’s been pretty quiet on here for the past few weeks. To be honest, I just haven’t felt like writing. I haven’t felt like thinking or talking about infertility. I’m getting tired of waiting and more than anything I just feel hopeless. The fertility drugs aren’t working and the wait is driving us crazy. To make matters worse, pregnancies are being announced on Facebook like they’re going out of style!

Can any of you relate?

So I gave myself a few weeks of pity parties/denial/re-decorating and now it’s time to move forward. I will choose joy and continue to believe that God’s timing is perfect. I won’t worry about my biological clock because I serve the Author of Time.

your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16

Thanks for all your prayers lately!-Sarah

 

I may have mentioned this before, but I am a musician.  I do not know how it is for people that are not songwriters, but when I hear lyrics that perfectly capture a thought or yearning that I haven’t yet put words to I am captured.

I am really drawn in by songs that take thoughts on my heart and put them to melodies.  To me, that is what defines a great artist.

Once such artist is a worship band from a relatively new church.  They go by the name ELEVATION WORSHIP.

The following song has really stuck with my wife and I and has continually been on our minds.

This has been how I have started or ended many of my prayers in the past months.  I need to know that God is still good and that his love for me is great; especially in the midst of pregnancy issues.  I need to know he is shaping me.

I do not know of a better place to go to build that belief than right to God.  As much as I go to this blog and as much as i go to friends or family, I need to step back sometimes and ask Him to put that belief in me.

You may be reading this at work but I urge you sometime to sit down with this song and help it become your prayer as well.

- Abram

I need you to soften my heart, to break me apart

I need you to open my eyes, to see that You’re shaping my life

All I am, I surrender

Give me faith to trust what you say // That you’re good and your love is great// I’m broken inside, I give you my life

I need you to soften my heart, to break me apart

I need you to pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me

All I am, I surrender

Give me faith to trust what you say // That you’re good and your love is great// I’m broken inside, I give you my life

I may be weak. Your Spirit’s strong in me

My flesh may fail. My God you never will

 
English: positive pregnancy test Deutsch: Ein ...

Image via Wikipedia

My guess is that most of you reading this blog have a thorough understanding of the infamous “2 week wait”. But just in case you’re popping over here and aren’t/haven’t experienced infertility let me explain. In a typical woman’s cycle, she’ll ovulate around day 13-15 and then get her period 2 weeks later. For those of us trying to get pregnant, this 2 week window can be unbearable. It’s the period of time where you could be pregnant but you just don’t know. You’ve done everything you can do to get pregnant and now you just have to wait it out. I find myself over-analyzing every ache, cramp, emotion, sensitivity and wondering if they’re signs that I’m pregnant. By the end of the 2 weeks my mind is screaming that I’m probably not pregnant so I don’t get my hopes up but all the way to the deepest core of me I’m hoping that I am.

My 2 week wait ends tomorrow. Will this be my last ever 2 week wait? Or, will I be faced with the all-too-familiar negative test result phone call?

I don’t know how to prepare myself? Plan for the worst and hope for the best? What’s your advice?

I’m sure at least of few of you are veterans of the 2 week wait. What’s your advice for those of us that are going through it right now? Please share your best advice and hopefully we’ll get some good ideas listed for the next time we’re faced with the dreaded 2 week wait.

-Sarah

Merry Christmas, Star-counters!

I know today will be hard from some of us. We’ll be reminded of our dream for children and then faced with emptiness on Christmas morning. Family members may say insensitive things and emotions may be elevated. My prayer for you this Christmas is that you would know that you’re not alone and the God has a plan and purpose for your life.

May the most important baby ever born fill your hearts and bring you peace.

xo -Sarah

Almost 2 weeks ago, we announced that we added a Prayer page to our site. We know that we’re not the only ones struggling with infertility, so we created a place for you to share what you’re going through. And we want you to know that your prayer requests aren’t just floating out in cyber space. They’re actually read, prayed for, and (if you click the share box) shared!

The Bible says that “when two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I’ll be there.” (Matthew 18:20, The Message)

We believe in the power of prayer and know that when a community prays together God works. So let’s join together and lift up the following requests. And if you want to be prayed for, just click on the Prayer tab at the top of this page or follow this link here.

Prayer Requests:

- We are having our 4th IUI today (Thursday, Dec. 15). Let’s pray that this couple experiences God’s supernatural peace during the 2 week wait.

- My husband David and I are on the list to adopt a baby. We have been trying to conceive since March 2006. We feel that God has called us to Adopt and we’re now asking him to please make our wait, a short one.

– I am praying to have a healthy pregnancy that results in a take home baby.

- They believe that I have a septate uterus and I will be undergoing an HSG later this month or in January to confirm but they are somewhat concerned that I may have an allergic reaction to the test. If they do see an abnormality, we will have to undergo a laparoscopic hysteroscopy to correct it. Sometimes it can take several surgeries to correct. Prayers for health and healing during these tests and possible surgeries would be such a blessing.

- My husband and I are both disabled and have not had a regular source of income in a long time.

- We are in desperate need of comfort, a comfort only God can give us. Thank you….

Let’s approach the throne of Grace with confidence and trust that God is able to handle all of these concerns.

-S

Hey fellow star-counters,

I think that’s what I’m going to call you guys. Star-counters. It’s a reference from the story of Abram and Sarah and you should totally check out the full thing in Genesis 15. But in my own words, Abram is having a hard night and he cries out to God, “Why haven’t you given me kids?!”

Been there? I have.

Many times.

So God tells him to go outside and look up at the stars. The God says to him;

“Look up at the sky and count the stars- if indeed you can count them.
So shall your offspring be.”

In the midst of Abram’s hopeless situation, God gives him a promise. God shows him hope. He causes Abram to look beyond his current situation. And I believe that God wants us to experience that same hope. He wants us to know He’s in control even when our hormones are not. He is the Prince of Peace and he wants us to know His peace even when we get another negative test result.

God may not have promised each one of us that our children will be as numerous as the stars in the sky. Or that we’d be able to have children naturally. Or even that our children will be perfectly healthy when we finally get them. But he has promised to be in control. One of my favorite promises that He’s made comes from Jeremiah 29:11:

“For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord.
“Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

So if the challenges of today are more than you can bear, take time to look up and count the stars. Remember the promises that God has made to you. He wants to prosper you and He has plans for your future.

I’ll be counting stars with you.

-S